Little Earthquakes

San Francisco Trip, or, I Arrived in San Francisco and My Host Bails.

So, I went on a trip.  A sudden, what-the-hell, throw caution to the wind kind of trip.  Kind of.  I had a few requests to visit one of my company's vendors and after a very small amount of discussion I was told I could go.  Omar had also been putting increasing pressure on me to at least visit the area.  I had been telling him how I was becoming more and more unhappy with our situation and he and his girlfriend broke up over Christmas so he now is pining for the kids more than ever. 

I called Omar one night and said, "I know we've got a lot of history, but if I'm coming out there, I need you to show me around.  We're going to have to be friends."  "Oh yeah, sure, of course, I'd do anything to get you and the kids out here," he replied.  I then went ahead and booked the ticket.

Upon arrival on Wednesday afternoon, Omar told me he would be flying out at 4:00 am the following morning for a party that he was attending in Dallas for the weekend.  It took a bit for this to sink in. What happened to doing anything to get me to move and showing me around?  As I considered this, apart from my meetings on Thursday and Friday, I had 6 whole days to fill in a strange city.  Yeah, I know, this sounds blissful in a city like San Francisco, but I don't know if I would find enough to keep me occupied - alone - at Disney for that long.  In other words, that's a long time to be completely by yourself.

I spent a lot of time wandering around the city with two laptops in my backpack. My collar bones are still bruised from the straps!  My meetings were spaced out enough that I often had hours to kill.  I work remotely anyway, so I was able to actually do my job too, but I was dependent on WiFi and a place to sit. There were times when I felt like just holing up and not doing anything because of my shyness, but I forced myself out.  I went to Fisherman's Wharf, Alcatraz, the Museum of Modern Art, ferries, and shopping districts.  Some days I was depressed, other days I reveled in the freedom. I walked for miles and miles, often waking up the next morning with sore muscles.  I was in bed by 9:00 and up by 5:00 each day.

By the time Omar returned, I was ready to talk to someone - anyone. I picked him up from the airport and we actually had our first full conversation in 5 years.  He admitted a lot of things to me that were eye opening and I found myself just as guarded as ever.  Sometimes I think I have made great strides in my trust issues and in just relating to people in general, but then things like this happen.  I guess I can't fault myself on this one, and really, at the end of it all, he really hasn't changed either. 

I have been feeling isolated and stagnant of late and I know that nothing is going to change if I don't make some major adjustments.  I started to open a few doors here in MN again that, although I knew that they weren't the best doors to open, they were easy things that would give me the changes that I so, so need.  But sometimes going easy isn't the right way to go.  

I can't say that I've made any decisions.  I'm still wondering if I'm actually brave enough to go.  Omar proved to me that I still can't really rely on him for friendship or help.  So, if I go, I'm on my own.  

Looks like I've got a lot of thinking to do... Does anyone have a crystal ball?

Post I Forgot to Post

So here I am, on a plane headed to San Francisco. I’ve never been to San Francisco, interestingly enough. Seems that every time an employer wanted me to go I was pregnant or I had another trip planned or something like that.

I’ve done all the weird little flying rituals that I have – I have my scarab beetle necklace on, I’ve eaten 2 red Starbursts and 1 orange one on takeoff. I originally had an aisle seat but dutifully traded another passenger for her window seat, as that is another requirement (a window seat, not trading). So far we have not crashed and things are looking good.

 As I’m looking out at the farms scrubbed out of the snow below, I’m thinking about the kids and Lali and missing home. I wish I wasn’t such a homebody! Why am I so damn introverted? This is good though, for me to take a little break from the kids. I was getting a little Mommy Dearest-ish.

Last Saturday was a very good example of a typical event in my house. Alex wanted to take Gus to the park. I helped Gus get into all of his snowgear and watched him trundle off behind Al for the 2 block walk to the playground. After about 20 minutes, I saw Alex stomping up the sidewalk, yelling, with Gus trailing behind, arms flapping and wailing. “Awesome,” I thought. As I was opening the garage door to welcome the hot mess, Lali shot out of the door. She typically stays right around the kids, all tail waggy, happy dog. But this time she didn’t. She formed her body into a cylindrical furry form with her ears back and her nose pointed forward and RAN. Man, she can run. Alex and I started to give chase and I yelled back to Gus to go inside. Alex and I had a moment of perfect sync, and she ran around one side of a snowbank and I ran around the other side while I threateningly (I hoped) said, “NO LALI, SIT.” And she sat.

 As I was dragging Lali by her collar up the street, I looked at Gus… He was standing in the driveway, shivering and snow covered with his underwear, pants and snowpants down to his shins, where they met his boots. “What thehell?” I said to Al and she said, “Yeah, mom, he wanted to pee in the bushes but he couldn’t get his pants off fast enough so he wet his pants. He got upset and pulled his pants all the way down and that’s how we walked home.” Dear God. Alex penguin-walked Gus for 2.5 blocks at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Saturday. 

It was kind of like Gus’ version of Commando. Really Commando. I proceeded to help him get his clothes off and into the bathtub and kept questioning him on why in the world he would do that and then not go inside as I asked. He kept saying he wanted to pee in the bushes. I suppose he’s a boy, and every boy wants to pee in the bushes sometime… 

So yeah. I’m headed out of town for a week and I think I was ready for a break.